My “hope” mistress… A converstion

I want to write something so desperately today….. But the words are running far away from me, and like an old lion I am running aimlessly for them… I tried getting hold of this word desire but to no use… she was so close for a while and so far suddenly now….i looked for the word life and no success either….she is keeping a distance like the two rail tracks, always a step ahead…… a last try I did catching happiness but like an inexperienced jockey, the happiness horse easily got rid of me, wounding me seriously….. I finally am giving up the idea of hope now…. Sitting for a while to catch my breath and these words despair, tedium, agony are now gathering around me like Hyenas and vultures, whispering in their sharp pitched voices, joyous of the big feast, waiting for me to be eaten away…And suddenly ‘hope’ comes from nowhere for my rescue… putting my weightless body on her shoulder, she starts walking slowly on the road of life again…. I complain, “Where were you before, why you come and go, why this departing and returning”… and ‘hope‘, she like always, smiling her gloomy smile says, “too much of me also make people crazy”…. I interrupts, “But is it not good to be crazy in hope”, she says sadly, “I am not the goal you look for, I am just a mirage, I exist only in your mind as a way to reach what you desire, will you not leave me in the end?”…. “But what do I desire?” I see myself asking her……… A long silence…a blunt laugh of her….. ” I can only give you myself, my dear, all that is in me, I can make you believe that there is a way, but I cannot show you the way or give you what you desire” ……. I said,” put me on the ground, what will others say, you carrying me all the way, don’t you get tired of me”… her sudden gasp of love-hate laugh i heard….”You always underestimate me honey, I love you and you know that, how can I leave you wounded in blood like this, aren’t you afraid of the “tedium” hyenas and the “despair” vultures any more? ” …. I complained ” you won’t let me die, you won’t let me be yours, what do you want from me? ” …. She defended,” why you ask so many questions? Why you are unhappy with everything that happens to you?”….. I was loosing blood and seeing my condition she took me to her friend “sleep” so I can rest in her lap for a while and which reminded me of Hermine from that bloody Hermen Hesse’s novel, but “sleep” was no where to be seen…. She lighted up some day dreaming lamps to soothe me up…… “What about circumnavigating the world…what about learning music….what about Kilimanjaro?” …. I laughed,” you don’t want me to be with the beauty “loneliness” do you?” …… “Ah! That bitch, that lonely bitch, you know how much I hate her, but if that is your desire, if you wish so..” she replied laying right beside me and said “What ever you do, you know I wont leave you”….I asked “why you dont leave me alone,what is there in me?” ………….she said, “Ah! My favorite topic you started, well I like you because we have become so inter dependable, aren’t we?, remember the day when that girl named “reason” who left you for someone better then you and I found you loving her still without reasons, and remember my fight with “fear”, the whole world was sided with “fear” and you sided with me and saved me” ….”Yeah! I remember” I said, “but that was way long ago, and you know I am not that young anymore”…. She took my hand and said ” I learned how to love from you, even when you were without any hope, If you can love someone without hope, why cant I?, I can live my life with you for that very reason”…………………I stopped talking, perhaps words are not needed any more, perhaps the story is already written for me too, or perhaps her friend “sleep” is finally there……….

So that was my hope mistress…. Blunt, mysterious, determined in keeping me alive in her own way…..